Having Boundaries, Being Succinct and Not Oversharing

Being more mindful in how you assert your personal boundaries will also help to train your brain to be more succinct and clear in your communication. This will undoubtably have a positive impact on all other areas of your life increasing self confidence and self esteem in the process. Trying to be more succinct will help empower you to become more mindful, disciplined, and thoughtful with your choice of words. And by taking that extra bit of time and putting a personal boundary in place to stop oneself from instantly responding, not only encourages you to listen more, be more attentive and fully absorb all the information that someone shares with you, but it also takes away the pressure and expectation to respond immediately which helps reduce anxiety and empowers you to regain self-control.

Not listening carefully or taking another persons feelings into consideration, being careless with your choice of words, comments, reflections or oversharing are all things we need to be mindful of, as these types of behaviours can often lead us to embarrass, offend or shame others whilst portraying yourself in a negative light.

When a person overshares they may unintentionally misrepresent themselves and their true character which can leave them feeling misunderstood, embarrassed and ashamed. Those who overshare or don’t share at all often do so because they suffer from low self esteem, and low self worth. They tend to lack belief in themselves, feel anxious, uncomfortable, frustrated, stressed and intimidated by social situations or when they’re under the spotlight. Children who are ignored, suffer trauma, witness abuse, or grow up in a negative environment where there are consistent lack of boundaries usually overshare in their adult life, as they have never been shown what healthy boundaries are. They tend to overshare with a strong desire to be noticed, taken into consideration, positively affirmed, validated, accepted and loved by others. However the irony and tragedy is when they do finally receive positive, affirming responses they usually find a way of sabotaging or rejecting them as it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

The inner belief and modus operandi for a person who overshares is usually ‘the more I give to others, the more others will give back to me, the more I’ll be loved’. This is often their strategy to regain a sense of control over a fear of not being liked, that is accompanied by them overcompensating in their behaviour, trying to stand out to gain more attention, create more impact which may include behaviour that can often be perceived as ‘shocking’. Here they may overshare personal details that make others feel uncomfortable, frustrated, stressed and awkward. This might be the person who’s defamatory about their ex-partner or ex-relationship on a first date, or is being highly disrespectful towards their ex-manager, role or team on the first day of a new job, regurgitating war stories. After the event they may feel great shame, regret, anxiety and anger at themselves, often deeply questioning their behaviour. “Why did I share that, why did I say that, do you think they liked me?’ often reverberates through their psyche as they anxiously review and ruminate over what they did or didn’t say, whether they left a good impression, whether they were ‘too much and over zealous with others’, if they scared people away, and whether they were liked or not.

Those who overshare personal details about themselves or others may often be referred to by others as rude, unboundaried, fake, untrustworthy, inauthentic, awkward, inappropriate, intrusive, careless, thoughtless, impolite, a show off, arrogant, someone who doesn’t listen, a diva, narcissist or someone who likes to ‘steal the show’. For those who inappropriately share, their subconscious driver can also be to create a self fulfilling prophecy that forces others to look upon them judgementally and shamefully confirming their negative core belief that they are unwanted, overbearing, unloveable and not worth respecting.

This is why someone who is prone to oversharing needs to put personal boundaries and scripts in place to prevent this from happening and to end the cycle of shame. See ‘Oversharing – Cycle Of Shame’ diagram before below:

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Boundaries help us to determine and be more decisive about what we should or should not say, and what’s appropriate or not. And creating carefully thought out pre-written scripts will encourage us all to find the appropriate words and phrasing to vocalise them more confidently.

This is why it’s imperative not to overcompensate in your behaviour when getting to know someone and to remember that building trust in any relationship takes time, so try not to force it.

jonathan hoban